ONE MONTH

One month.  I can’t believe he’s a month old.  I can’t even wrap my head around it! This last month has been beautiful and scary.  I have wanted to be a mom for the longest time.  I’ve wanted to have a mini me or a mini Devin running around and I knew from watching my mom and dad raise five kids that it would be trying.  Trying.—what a good word for it. 

Our first night home from the hospital was honestly miserable.  I love my sweet boy so much.  I didn’t know I could love someone that much.  (Except his daddy, of course. But let’s be honest—it’s a different kind of love.) Devin and I left the hospital feeling terrified to let the child be left alone doing anything.  That night, that kid was held by one of us the ENTIRE NIGHT.  We took two hour shifts.  One of us would be holding him and watching TV while the other slept, then two hours later we’d switch.  7:00 AM came and I called my mom dang near in tears.  We were SO tired.  My mom and dad came and watched him while Devin and I slept.  I have never felt so defeated in my entire life.  Sleep deprivation after having a baby is no joke.

 After waking up from our much needed nap, we went about our Sunday routine as usual.  We had lunch with Devin’s family and dinner with mine.   With the time change, I knew that I was going to struggle.  We all know I have anxiety anyways—add pregnancy hormones on top of it and you’ve got yourself a hot mess!  Devin was taking a nap on the couch and I knew it was about time to go home for the night.  I was holding my little baby and I all of a sudden became so overwhelmed.  I couldn’t even breathe.  I had to hand Tanner off to my dad to hold and I went in and laid down by Devin and I cried.  Correction—I bawled.  Devin was going back to work so I knew he wouldn’t be able to help me during the night as much as he did the night before and that literally scared the bajeebers out of me.  Devin got my mom and that sweet woman offered to come and spend the night with me.  She has been such an angel with me becoming a new mom.  She and LaDawn both have.  LaDawn did my laundry and made most of our meals for us, while mom helped me get around to Tanner’s doctor appointments and slept over four different nights so that Devin and I could sleep.  I wouldn’t have been able to wake up with Tanner, feed him, change his bum, and then spend the next half hour pumping.  I would have died.

My mom was able to get sleep too while she was here (if you could call it that) by getting Tanner to sleep in his swing.  The hospital scared us when it came to where baby slept and that’s why Devin and I stayed up all night with him.  We felt he was safer in one of our arms than anywhere else.  Mom’s had five children so she knew right what to do.  She put him in his swing and he just rocked all night long.  I was going to breastfeed, but with my mom staying over and if I wanted Devin to get up in the night with him (especially since I’m going back to work) formula just seemed best.  I did pump though.  According to my dad, my grandma Bonnie could produce enough milk for an army it seemed like.  I got my genes from her!  I’ve since weaned myself from pumping and I currently only pump once a day.  Enough to give him some sort of nutrients from me. 

We went to his first doctor appointment two days after we got home from the hospital.  Dr. Rogers at Pediatrics Budge is his doctor and we just love him!  He is so great with kids.   Mom went with me to his first appointment because Devin had to work.  He did have a little bit of what seemed to be an eye problem.  Dr. Rogers recommended us to an eye doctor to make sure that he was ok.  My uncle Krey is an eye doctor at Eyemart in Idaho Falls.  They just opened an Eyemart here in Logan so my mom gave him a call and explained the situation to him and asked if one of the doctors here could look at Tanner.  Dr. Broschinsky talked with my uncle and was willing to see Tanner.  Tanner was his youngest patient at just five days old! Luckily everything is ok with Tanner.  He has some tissue that is being squished so when Dr. Rogers was looking at his eyes, his pupil looked squiggly instead of perfectly round. 

FIRST POOP CATASTROPHE:  Tanner had just leaked through his diaper.  Literally peed all over me and all over my pillow. So I went to change his bum. I was using my left hand to make sure that he didn’t roll off his changing table, and my right hand to open his new diaper. I heard his tummy grumbling and I looked down just in time to see POOP SHOOT OUT OF HIS CUTE LITTLE BUM AND I CAUGHT IT IN MY HAND. I yelled “oh sh**” (poor T heard mama swear *face palm*) Devin came running into the bedroom thinking tanner was dead or something and he saw me holding his poop and he literally fell to the floor laughing. AND HE WOULDN’T STOP LAUGHING. Like he was laughing so hard and long the poop DRIED IN MY HAND. It was so funny and so awful. So yeah... That’s our first poop story!  

We have decided that our sweet little boy is colicky.  That is not fun.  I tell Devin all the time that new babies, new moms and new dads should not be allowed to be sick!  It’s just wrong!! We’re not getting much sleep now.  We’ve changed his formula four times.  We’ve used one Similac and three Parent Choice formulas.  We think we have found one, but he still has an upset tummy.  Gripe water has been our life saver!

Tanner went on his first shopping spree with mom and grandma LaDawn!  Let me tell you, he is his father’s child.  He HATES shopping.  I had the stroller all prepared and enough formula and water to last us on our trip and you know where he ended up?  Being held by me the entire time.  He is not the shopper that I wanted him to be.  Haha!  I guess we’ll just have to have a little girl so I can have a shopping buddy!

 We are back at work.  We came back on 11/28/2018.  I had a lot of anxiety about coming back.  I just don’t want to annoy my coworkers when he cries, but after talking to a couple of them, I have to just not let that bug me.  I’m a new mom with a boss who is incredible enough to let me bring my child to work.  If she didn’t want him here, she’d tell me. 

This month has been hard and the last couple of days have been harder.  Going back to work with a newborn is exhausting.  We’re making it, but we’re exhausted.  I love this sweet boy and I can’t wait to see what happens in the next month of his life.  

Tanner William - Birth Story

Wednesday, October 24th: Elective Induction Day

This day for me was like any other day.  The week before, we went to our doctor appointment and she said that she felt totally comfortable and fine with us being induced.  A lot of people have asked why we chose an elective induction.  For us, part of it had to do with our schedules.  Devin and I both work.  In fact, Devin just started a new job--to which, he didn't want to take a ton of time off of work.  I also wanted Tanner to be born on the 25th.  I am a person who thinks deeply about some things.  I wanted him to be born on the 25th because that's the same date as his dad's birthday.  We also felt 100% fine doing it.  Where our doctor okay'd the procedure--and offered it to us, why not?  We trust our doctor and that just means we'd get to meet our little boy that much sooner! We scheduled our induction for Wednesday night at 8 PM.  Dr. McCulloch told me that where I had already started to dilate and I was effaced, (I had been at least 70% effaced since week 35) to expect a 12-14 hour labor.  Since I wanted him born on the 25th, that's why we chose the time we did on Wednesday.  Pretty much guaranteed the day we wanted! 

Devin and I both went to work like normal.  I worked that day because I knew if I was sitting at home it would just make the day go by slower.  I did leave work at about 4:00 though.  I wanted to go to Walmart really fast and then have time to come home and shower before 8:00. 

Devin came home and made me Bob's soup.  It's the vegetable soup from Bob's Red Mill. We took Aggie on a walk.  My dad came over and helped Devin give me a blessing.  I could feel myself having some massive anxiety and those special blessings always make me feel better.  Right at 8:00 I called Labor and Delivery to see if they had a bed for me.  Unfortunately for me, they did not have a bed ready.  They told me they'd call me if one became available, or they wanted me to call back in 2 hours if they didn't call me.  At 10:00, we called them back and there was still no bed.  Bummer! I was really starting to get discouraged.  Again, they just told me to call back in two hours.  Midnight came, I called.  Still no bed.  She did tell me they think that there would be a baby born in about an hour and to call back at 1:00 AM.  I called and she said that they want me to call at 5:00 and that where I was the only one scheduled for Wednesday night, I was first in line Thursday morning when there were more nurses/beds available.  We slept for a couple of hours and at 5:00 we called.  They told me that they had a bed and it would be available at 6:15 AM! We were so relieved!  Devin showered, I ate some breakfast, and we got our bags ready to go!  We fed Aggie and away we went.  

On our way in it was starting to rain.  We were at Cox's Honey near Renegade when a van pulled out in front of us.  My heavens!  I started to get upset and Devin reminded me that it wasn't worth getting upset over.  We were safe, T was safe, and that's all we wanted! 

We checked into Labor and Delivery and they got us into our room.  Those room's are GINORMOUS! They had my bed, a couch and a recliner.  They also had room for a small army.  

6:45 AM my nurse, Aubree, gave me the pitocin.  It really didn't hurt at all.  She gave me something that would numb it (I don't remember what she gave me..) and that stung for like 0.3 seconds. I sat there for what seemed like forever..but was probably only about an hour. She did a cervix check to see how far I was dilated, I was dilated to a 3!  On centimeter more than the week before!!

I was hooked up to a machine that read baby's heart rate and then one that read my contractions.  I wanted to go and walk around the floor so Aubree was so sweet and she hooked me up to a wireless monitor.  It was much more comfortable too than the other one.  Devin walked around with me and I feel like it took us forever to make one lap! My contractions were coming in full swing.  They would stop me in my tracks and make my toes curl!  It felt like my insides were getting an Indian burn.  It hadn't been very long since I got the IV for pitocin, so when I asked for the epidural, I felt like I was giving in early.  I was just assuming that I was only dilated to a 4 at most.  I got my epidural at 9:44 AM and Aubree checked my cervix.  Turns out, I was dilated to a 6!! That made me feel less "wimpy" about getting the epidural when I did.  

Dr. Charles Shields was my anesthesiologist.  My work actually does the billing for the anesthesiologists here in Logan, so it was fun to put a face to his name! It wasn't as bad to get as I thought it was going to be.  My only issue at this point was that I was throwing up and my toes were literally curling the contractions hurt so bad.  Devin and Aubree both sat in front of my while Dr. Shields gave me my epidural to help distract me and keep me from moving while he gave it to me.  Honestly, it didn't hurt at all. 

At 10:29 AM Dr. McCulloch came and broke my water.  That was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt.  Remember when you were really little and you'd wake up and just know that you wet the bed? (No? Just me?...this could be embarrassing...) It was like 100 times worse.  It was so warm and gooey feeling and I literally had no control over what was happening down there.  Not long after the epidural--my mom, dad and LaDawn showed up.  

The epidural made me super tired, which honestly was really nice.  I didn't get a lot of sleep that night since we were up calling the hospital every couple hours. I fell asleep for literally 12 minutes when all of a sudden Aubree and Devin are waking me up and putting me on oxygen.  At 10:41 AM Tanner's heart rate dropped to 50 BPM.  Since I was sleeping, I had no idea.  Devin got really worried and left the room to go to the nurses station, but as he was going there, there were three people (Aubree and some aids) on their way to my room cause they saw on their monitors at the station that his heart rate dropped.  They turned my pitocin completely off.  They decided that it was the pitocin that made it drop so low.  After they turned it off, they kept my oxygen on and his heart rate started to come back up.  Devin said that that moment was when he really felt like a dad.  He was just so worried about Tanner and whether or not he was going to be okay.  

The next few hours were nice for me.  I literally slept.  I could still hear people talking.  I could hear my mom and dad and LaDawn all conversing with Devin, but I can't really remember what exactly they were talking about.  Devin's dad came up and saw us and brought Devin Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  I watched a couple of episodes of F.R.I.E.ND.S on my cell phone, checked Facebook, and took another nap.  The time was surprisingly going by quickly.  I was shocked.  I thought it would be a slow day.  At 2:00 PM, Aubree came to check me and I was "complete"!  I was dilated to a 10 and 100% effaced.  She said that once that happens, they like to wait an hour so that baby could naturally come into the birth canal.  She told me she'd be back in about half an hour and then at 3:00 we'd start to push! (Unless T had other plans.)  

Remember how I mentioned that the delivery room was big enough for a small army?  Well that's pretty much what I had in there.  My dad left the room and went out to the waiting room.  That left Devin, my mom, Devin's mom, Aubree, and like seven other people who were there training and apart of the NICU team.  I actually got to have one of my childhood best friends in the room with me too.  Aubree came to me and said that there was a nurse there who knew me and she wanted to make sure that I was ok with her being there.  If I was uncomfortable with it, she wouldn't attend.  At this point, so many people had already seen my hooha that I really didn't care.  As long as she was okay with it, I was okay with it.  She grew up three houses down and we hung out quite a bit.  It was actually kind of nice to see another friendly face in there.  

At 2:47 Aubree told me that we could start pushing.  She could see baby's head already and said it was go time!  Devin was very helpful with this part.  They had my legs up in the stirrups and every time I had a contraction, I would push and Devin and Aubree would bring my legs up to my stomach.  I was nervous that I would poop on the table haha....but thankfully I did not! I just gave it all I had.  I wanted him here so bad and I was so nervous that I figured if I don't give it my all, we'll just be here longer.  The feeling in the room for me was so special.  It was overwhelming in almost a spiritual way.  Here I was, bring my child into the world and he was leaving our Heavenly Father.  I couldn't help but cry.  Devin was crying too.  He doesn't cry very often, but he later told me that he couldn't stand seeing me in pain.  I told him that was sweet of him, but I couldn't feel a dang thing!  For that, I was grateful for!!  

At 3:32 PM our little boy entered the world.  My biggest fear happened too.  When Dr. McCulloch pulled him out, he had his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice.  Thankfully, he was okay. It was the weirdest feeling when he came out.  I could feel him squirming so it was just weird.  Indescribable actually. They placed him up on my chest and all three of us cried.  He was just so perfect.  Devin cut his umbilical cord and then the nurses all took him away so that they could do whatever it was that they do.  

I'm very glad that I chose to not have a mirror at the end.  Devin said it looked absolutely horrendous down there.  I did have to have a couple of stitches, but thankfully my recovery has been very good.  We were able to spend about an hour and a half after everything was cleaned up as a family, just the three of us.  I couldn't have asked for more perfect day.

Devin took notes the entire day of what was going on, and what time events were happening at.  He noted that when we left on Thursday morning that the leaves were vibrant yellow and that the Wellsville Mountians were covered with clouds.  An hour or two after Tanner was born, the Wellsville's cleared and we had a beautiful blue sky to enjoy.  

We stayed Thursday and Friday night in the hospital because Tanner had pooped while still in the birth canal, and he was a little bit jaundice.  The hospital food was actually very, very good! Devin and I both enjoyed it.  We were able to come home on Saturday morning and having him in our family has been beautiful.  He was meant for us and we just can't picture our life without him.  

Welcome to our family, Tanner William.  Dad and I hope and pray every night that we can be the best parents to you.  I hope that you grow up knowing just how much you are loved and how much everyone cares for you.