Few things have happened since my car accident. We bought a new car, celebrated LOVE day and went to SEAQUEST!
I briefly mentioned in my last post about buying a new
car. On January 28th, I took
the day off of work to go to SLC with my mom, dad, Tanner and sister
Lindsie. Lindsie had an appointment down
at Primary Children’s. Long story short,
Lindsie has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.
She’s been taking these shots every week for a long time now and she has
to go down to Primary’s and have some tests done. I found a car that I wanted to look at in
Midvale, so I tagged along. This was a
big step for me. I would never have
dreamed about buying or looking seriously at a car without Devin there. He wasn’t able to get work off. He knew though, that this car is pretty much
my dream car.
I have always wanted a crossover. I think they’re roomy, and where in the
summer/fall we travel a lot, I just have always pictured myself in a jeep-like
vehicle. Devin was 100% fine with me
going and looking at it. My dad would be
there to look at the mechanical side of it, and be able to help me make a
decision. He said it was my choice and if I
felt like it was a good car I could buy it. I was
already clear down there, if I liked it—I wasn’t coming home without it.
The car that I was looking at was a 2010 Red Ford Edge. SERIOUSLY MY DREAM CAR. I don’t know why, I just love the way it
looks. I think it looks like a “classy
mom car”. Long story short, my dad test drove
it with me, checked under the hood and I loved it enough that I decided I was
going to buy it. Where I was buying it
from a broker instead of a dealership, they were quite stingy with the price. I paid a couple hundred more dollars then
what I wanted to spend, but I love it anyways.
It’s candy apple red, black leather interior, the whole roof is pretty
much a sun/moon roof. They have the moon
roof over the back seat which I LOVED. I
wanted Tanner to grow up being able to look out it too. We pretty much live with the glass
showing. The seats were big enough for
me and D to sit comfortably up front while having Tanner behind either one of
us. So I did it. I made a big girl decision and bought a car
that Devin hadn’t even seen. I honestly
felt so weird buying it without him!! Thankfully it has been great so far
(knock on wood…) and Devin really enjoyed driving it!
Life has been getting a lot better since the car
accident. I was seeing a therapist for a
couple of weeks. It really helped me to
be able to talk to someone else about what happened that wasn’t family. (No offense fam!) A couple of days after the car accident, I
started to have nightmares. I would
dream about the accident and every. single. dream. Tanner died in it. I would wake up sweating. I would get in the never ending cycle of
thoughts where I would picture him dying in the car accident, or I would
picture myself dying. It was a rough
couple of weeks, I have to be honest.
The therapist that I was seeing really helped. The tips and tricks that she shared with me
have really helped me pull out of a “funk” when I get in one. Every time I would think about the car
accident, my chest would get so tight.
It literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t focus, I
couldn’t think of anything else except for repeating different scenarios. One of the tricks that she taught me was the
5-4-3-2-1 method. What that basically
is, is a technique to reground yourself when you feel like you are losing control
of your thoughts. When I can feel myself
starting to slip into these thoughts and cycles, I’ve been able to pull myself
away from them using this method and it has seriously been a blessing in my
life.
The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique uses your senses. All five of them. When you start feeling like you’re losing
control, all you need to do is find:
5 things you can look at.
4 things you can feel.
3 things you can hear.
2 things you can smell.
1 thing you can taste.
If you are unable to do any of those, think of your favorite
smells, or your favorite thing to eat. I
get so focused on trying to find those things when I’m in a “funk”, that it
distracts me. I don’t feel consumed by
what was bothering me anymore. When I’ve
finished the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, I have been able to sit back and be
like “Okay, I don’t need to think about the accident. What happened, happened. We’re all safe.” Seeing the therapist really helped me to be
able to forgive the other driver too. I have
to admit—I was dang angry. How close he
came to hurting my baby just upset me so much that my blood would boil. I feel at peace now and I know that things
are ok. I can’t be mad at him and I
needed help forgiving. It’s the greatest
feeling in the world when you can forgive and forget.
Valentine’s Day came and went. Of course, with a baby, nothing too exciting
happened. Tanner spent V-day with my
mom. Devin and I were able to go to
lunch together really quick. I don’t need
the big, fancy restaurants to make me feel like Devin loves me. I know he does. So you know where we went? Wendy’s. It was delicious. I made him a big candy bouquet from Tanner
and I and in return, they got me a beautiful opal necklace—Tanner’s
birthstone. It was a beautiful day.
Since Tanner and I didn’t have to go to work on Monday,
Devin took the day off so we could spend some time together. It was so great! We took T down to Seaquest in the Layton
Hills Mall. WHAT A FUN PLACE! We were waiting in line and I see this lady
walking around with a snake. Guys, my
whole body shivered. EWWWW. I was trying to be a good mom though and let
Tanner see the yucky thing. She asked
Devin if he wanted to touch the snake and he just shook his head like…NOPE! I couldn't do it either and Tanner cried after looking at it, so that was the end of that! haha!
Seaquest was so much fun!
We saw baby alligators, seahorses, snakes, spiders, stingrays, sharks, crabs,
turtles, birdies and lots of fishies! We
ate lunch at Red Robin (YUM!haha..) and really enjoyed the time that we spent
together as a little family. It was so
much fun watching Tanner try to follow the fish as they were swimming all around
and he really liked the stingrays!
One more thing I forgot to mention.. Tanner get's a baby cousin in June and we found out the gender. We're getting a...…...GIRL COUSIN! Woohoo!! can't wait for Tanner to have a little best friend to hang out with. So excited for Sean and Allie!
You guys. I almost
can’t even type this post. It makes me
nauseous thinking about it. I do know
though, that in later years, I will want to remember this day. Kind of.
January 17th was weird. Tanner and I went to work like we do every
other day. I can remember driving down
the road after leaving my house and thinking “man, it would be horrible if we
got in a car accident. What would it do
to my glasses?” I can also remember thinking,
“I have a great little car here! Wow, we are so blessed to have two functioning
cars!” I can even remember what Tanner
was wearing. His “adventure” onesie with
blue and white striped pants that had a raccoon face on the bum. (So cute!)
I left work five minutes earlier that day. WHY DID I LEAVE FIVE MINUTES EARLY? I put Tanner in the car and we drove
home. They always say that accidents
happen within a couple of blocks from your house. (Devin always says, well duh! That’s where
you drive the most!) I know that there is a cop in our ward who lives on the
corner of one of the intersections that I drive by on my way home. I remember looking at my odometer to make
sure I wasn’t speeding. I would be so
upset if I got a ticket!! I looked to the right—nothing. Look to the left, saw the officer pull into
his driveway, I sighed a sigh of relief and then BAM. I see red in front of me. All of a sudden my face hurt. I couldn’t see. My horn was blaring. Tanner was screaming. Honestly, I was so freaking confused. When I finally realized what had happened,
(really only like 5 seconds had passed, but it felt like FOREVER) I grabbed my
glasses and found my phone. I got out of
the car and the police officer who had just pulled into his drive way was already
there. I called Devin who had heard the
accident and was driving around the block to come and find me. (The weird thing about this is usually Devin
drives south an extra block farther than what I do, then heads west up to the
house..this day, he went the same way that I went. He barely missed us getting in that
accident.)
I was trying to get Tanner out of the car and I couldn’t get
his door open. Naturally, I start having
a massive anxiety attack. It was
awful. I was shaking, couldn’t get the
door open, Officer Jensen (from our ward) was so sweet and he just walks over
and he opens the other door. I pull
Tanner out and turn around and there’s my mom!
I was so confused. I don’t know
how she got there so fast. Turns out,
her and my dad were taking Lindsie to piano when they saw my car turned all
funny. My mom saw me get out of the car
to get Tanner when she noticed the police lights. Then it hit them that I had just been in an
accident. They had barely missed seeing
the accident too!! Dad said he didn’t even have the truck stopped before she
was jumping out of it to come and help me.
My mom looked him over and determined he was ok. She took him out of his car seat to wrap him
in a blanket and feed him. I’ve never
heard him scream like that. I felt
horrible. I still feel horrible that I
put him in that kind of a situation.
I was bawling. I was
freaking out so bad. The other driver
ran a yield sign causing the accident.
He caught me by complete surprise.
I can remember looking to my right to make sure it was clear, then
looking the other way. I ALWAYS am so
cautious about going through an intersection in Wellsville because people don’t
follow the signs! (Labor Day weekend
2016, a car blew through a yield sign just ONE BLOCK north of my accident. Hit a truck pulling horses and tipped the
trailer on its side. We were living with
grandma and grandpa on the corner.
Thinking of that noise still makes me cringe.) As my mom was taking care of Tanner, Devin
was trying to keep me calm. I was
shaking so bad. Devin went to make sure
the other driver was ok, so my dad was hugging me and I was literally just so
confused. HE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Devin called his parents to tell them what
happened. They came down to make sure we
were all ok. (Perks of living within ½
mile of BOTH parents!) My dad called Allie to come and get Tanner. I wanted him to go home and be some place
warm. It was so sweet of her to come and
pick him up for me. I also had an
ambulance come just for him. I wanted to
make sure he was ok and thankfully they cleared him!!
At this point, I was starting to notice that everything
hurt. My neck hurt. My back, my legs, my feet were killing
me. I could tell I must have bit my
tongue. Everything was starting to sink
in. I was sitting in Devin’s truck
writing my statement when I looked outside and couldn’t help but be grateful
for all the people that came running. I
remember running outside to the help the people back in 2016 and I was so
grateful that people did the same for us.
I went and looked at my car. Poor
Phoebe. She was a disaster. The whole front end of my car was
squished. I guess I hit the other guy so
hard that it turned him 180 degrees. I
always hate the looks I get when I say that “I hit him”. Yes, I am the one who hit him, but it wasn’t
my fault. I don’t quite know how he got
turned around like that.
Finally, after what seemed like HOURS, the main police
officer over all car accidents in the valley, came to tell us that their
computer isn’t working right so we can head home and he’ll drop by what he
needs to in about a half an hour. Lucky
for me, this police officer went to school with my older sister. He was always so nice to me! I was so happy to see that it was him that
would come and talk to us. While we
waited for him to come to the house, Devin’s grandpa brought us chili for
dinner. Officer Woolstenhulme showed up
and dropped of the ‘Driver Information Exchange’ paper. He then proceeded to list off all the things
that this other driver was charged with.
He said he wanted us to be aware that the other driver admitted to him
that he didn’t see the yield sign and that he was charged with: Failure to
yield, possession of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, and a
DWI. He said that even though he passed
his field sobriety test, he admitted to the officer that he smoked a joint
earlier in the day. WHAT?! Oh my
gosh. I was flaming pissed. This kid could have KILLED MY BABY. No joke.
If I had been 1 SECOND earlier in the intersection, he would have hit
me. He would have hit the back passenger
door—right where Tanner was strapped in his car seat. Can you imagine the hell I would have
raised? After Officer Woolstenhulme left
I told Devin that I was happy he told me all of this once I was home. I think I would have lost it.
I have honestly tried so hard to not be angry at this
situation or at the other driver. I
tried praying for him. I prayed that he
would understand the choices that he made and be able to accept the
consequences in his life, whether they be good or bad. I keep trying to have gratitude for the fact
that my sweet baby boy is alive and that he has a mom to raise him. I’m having a hard time with it honestly. All last week while we were car searching, I
kept asking Devin “why me? Why me?!” I HATE car shopping. I hate dealing with auto insurance and
feeling like I have to babysit them to get the job done. Devin finally sat me down after I said “why
me?” and told me it could be worse. HE
could be the one saying “why me? Why is my wife and baby dead and I’m left here
all alone?” That really hit me. I felt
awful for whining and asking why me over something so silly. I have to remember though that it’s not
silly. It was a traumatic accident.
I finally found a car I love. My mom, dad and I went and bought it on
Monday. (28th) I couldn’t drive it home on the freeway. I had my mom drive it. I had to drive it home from Ogden though and
I made Lindsie ride in the car with me so she could be with Tanner because I
was afraid of doing it alone. Any time
Tanner gets in the car with my mom or dad, or even Devin, I feel my chest
tightening. I KNOW they are all safe
drivers. I also know that if anything
ever happened while he was with them it would be an accident, but my brain
still just makes my chest close off. It
eats me alive. I’ve decided it would be
best for me to go and talk to someone about it—and that’s ok.
I am so thankful for everyone that has helped Devin and
I. Our neighbors brought Devin and I
dinner last week. They were so sweet and
concerned about the accident. It was
nice to not have to worry about dinner since I was so worried about car
shopping. I’m thankful for my parents
and that they let me drive their car around for a week until I could find and
buy a new one. I’m grateful my in-laws
have been there to watch Tanner while Devin and I were car shopping. I’m grateful for all the people that helped
us that night. Most of all I’m so
grateful for my Heavenly Father that he allowed my sweet baby to be safe. Things could have turned out so differently
than what they did. Even if I had to buy
a new car and have a little bit of bodily injuries, I will take that.
