3’s

They say these things come in threes.  I wanted to write this while it was still fresh on mind.  Two weeks after we buried Jared, I found out I was pregnant.  We’ve been trying since June 2020.  Honestly, I didn’t even know if I was pregnant because those tests are so dang hard to read! I had a 2nd line on one of them, but the ClearBlue digital test came back negative.  I was so dang confused! I took those on Wednesday the 27th.  On the 29th, I went grocery shopping and I just had a feeling.  I took another digital test right there in Walmart before I was even done shopping.  This time it said PREGNANT!!!

While we were at the Super Bowl, I had some cramping and a little bit of bleeding.  When I got back to Utah, I went right in and had my blood drawn.  My HCG levels were only 926.  I went back two days later and they hadn’t doubled yet, but they went up so they weren’t concerned.  I was still cramping and had slight bleeding by the time the next week rolled around that they finally got me in for an ultrasound.  On 02/18 I had my ultrasound and we saw the heart beating.  It was only beating at 67 BMP, but they weren’t worried as it probably had just started to beat.  Tanner got to come with me and hear his little siblings heart.  

Two days ago I still was cramping and having some bleeding and I think I just knew.  I went to the ER while Devin stayed home with Tan and they couldn’t find the heart beat and didn’t think it had grown since the ultrasound the week before.  My levels moved up to the 7000’s, but I feel like they should have been higher at that point.  That night also wasn’t a good night for grandpa.  I had been crying and been really emotional anyways.  I went to the ER really angry with God.  I could not understand why He would take away my baby and my grandpa.  Especially after just losing Jared.  After the ultrasound, I felt a lot of peace.  I prayed the whole way home asking for forgiveness as my feelings were not the best.  I think that I knew that the baby was gone, but I still kept my doctor appointment for today.  

Devin went in with me and we talked to my doctor about what had been going on.  She wanted to do an ultrasound, so we did my third one and it was confirmed that our little baby was gone.  I held it together until she left, and then I just broke down.  All that emotion of losing the baby and then the fact that I now have to put something up my hoo haw to make it pass...it’s been a lot of information for me to take in.  Devin reminded me and told me that our baby was just needed by Heavenly Father sooner than we thought, and I was able to hear their heartbeat and give them that opportunity to have a body, even if it was for only 6 small weeks. 

I wanted to write it down while it was still fresh in my mind.  I’ve been an open book so far and I feel like I should be open about this too. People don’t talk about miscarriage a lot.  It’s hard.  I am ok.  I feel at peace and I don’t need pity, I just know what other moms are going through and I hope they know that I am praying for them, the same way I know they are praying for me. 

SUPERBOWL LV

Devin and I had the opportunity to attend Super Bowl LV in Tampa, FL. Devin works with SiriusXM (satalite radio) and they sponsored the NFL.  Devins reps just love him to pieces and they offered us 2 of the 8 tickets that they had.

Friday morning, 02/05, we flew out of Salt Lake City.  It was a long, direct flight to Tampa.  We wore our masks the entire time on the plane and in the airport.  Because of Covid precautions, they didn’t do their usual food on the plane.  Instead, they passed out baggies that had a couple of snacks in them and a small bottle of water.  Since we flew out pretty early on Friday, we dropped Tanner of at my parents house on Thursday night and slept at one of the hotels by the airport.  

When we arrived in Tampa, we were greeted by people yelling “Welcome to Tampa! Go Bucs!” We had a driver pick us up and take us to the Embassy Suites by Hilton.  We got to the hotel around 5 PM.  We had dinner reservations at DATZ at 6, so with the traffic and being a Friday, we grabbed an Uber and headed off to DATZ.  Y’all. I ate the most fattening meal I had ever had.  I had a hamburger ... but the buns were made of fried macaroni and cheese.  YOU GUYS. It was divine. 

After going to DATZ, we went to a donut shop right next door.  Can’t remember the name though.. After that we went back to the hotel and walked around the convention center.  They had a big pirate ship that would go off with a firework show that was so much fun! 

Saturday, we woke up and went out to Clearwater.  What a gorgeous beach!! The sand seriously was the softest sand I have ever felt.  I have been to beaches in the Grand Caymans, Mexico, Oregon, California and this was by far the best sand I have even put my toes in. 

We rented a cabana and literally just relaxed and listened to the waves of the Ocean.  They were doing the celebrity flag football game behind us, so while we waited we went and got lunch.  We went the Frankies something or other and it was a dud.  We watched the parachutes bring the American Flag and the game ball from the sky.  It was so cool!  When we got back to the hotel on Saturday, we went and walked the river walk and ended up at a place called Malios.  Devin and I are steak people.  Since dad raises beefs and kills one every year, we eat a lot of steaks—this was one of the best steaks I have ever tasted in my entire life.  If you go there, be prepared to give your unborn child as payment....

Sunday morning—SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! We slept in, which was magnificent.  If you have a toddler, then you know what I am talking about, haha! I slept in until 10:30, and around 11 we went to Green Lemon.  Y’all...they had delicious tacos.  They were so good!  We had Chiefs shirts on and I was a little nervous about getting yelled at.  Where the Bucs were playing in the Super Bowl, in their home stadium, it felt more like a home game and there were some very unkind people. 

Around 3:30, we rode a shuttle bus to the stadium.  There were so many people.  If I was going to have an anxiety attack, that was when it was going to happen.  We had lower bowl tickets and y’all, it was SO MUCH FUN!!!  The people who were working at the stadium were so dang nice.  I almost have never met kinder people.  They always smiled, they were polite, they never yelled — it was wonderful!  We had a great time.  

While sitting at the game, I got cold!  You would think that being from Northern Utah, that 50 degrees would feel delightful.  The wind started to blow and I was so dang cold.  I made Devin go and buy me a long sleeve shirt.  I got back just in time to see H.E.R perform America the Beautiful.  It was electrifying! Literally.  She used her electric guitar and performed a gorgeous version of that song.  Eric Church and Jazmine Sullivan performed the National Anthem and it was gorgeous.  It gave me chills! 

Devin would be able to go into much more details about statistics of the game.  It was a good game at first, but we definitely felt like the refs were for Tampa.  Something cool about this game, is it was the first super bowl game to have a woman ref—along with two more women on the sidelines! 

There were 7500 healthcare workers that were there.  It was NFL’s way of thanking the workers who have been through so much during the pandemic.  It was fun to see them highlighted.  It was a little strange that I had cardboard people behind me, but honestly, I felt better not having a ton of people surrounding me.  

After the game, we went home and I have never seen so many drunk people in my life. There were people carrying around traffic cones, and grocery carts and yelling and falling over.  It was crazy!! We finally got back to the hotel and we went right to bed.  We had to be up at 4:30.  We got to the airport at 5:00 and safety got through security.  I fell asleep as soon as we got on the plane.  I don’t even remember take off. I woke up right before we landed in Atlanta. We had a small layover in Atlanta and ate breakfast at Chick-fil-a.  I had a delightful sausage and egg bagel.  My first Chick-fil-a breakfast! Again, I fell asleep before the plane even took off.  It was a 4 hour flight and I needed sleep!

We landed in Salt Lake and got to my car and it was a disaster.  I guess while we were gone they had a “brown” snow storm and my car was covered.  We went through a car wash and got her all nice and shined.  We picked up KFC in Brigham and went straight to Tanner!  The little turd wasn’t even excited to see us!! I walked in the room and he says “go away mom!” Haha! 

So grateful for the opportunity Dev and I had to share that experience together! 

Curse you, 2021

Curse you 2021. The heartache that I’ve had since you came at one point was almost unbearable. You’re taking people from me and I’m just not ready for it. 

January 1st—mom dislocated one of her new hips. We were in Idaho, visiting grandpa Dennis and I was getting ready to call Devin when all of a sudden I hear a slur of bad words and then screaming. Oh the screams could have woke the dead. Moms hip that was totally replaced in October dislocated. Her IT band had been slipping and this time it just dislocated. They took her to the ER in Idaho Falls and was able to put it back. She had another hip replacement a few days later. 

January 9-16 honestly was just a blur. My uncle graduated life on the 9th. He fought hard. 21 years actually. Grandpa Donald got diagnosis with pancreatic cancer and we’re dealing with that. It’s been hard. I’ve cried a lot. I don’t even know if I can cry any more tears. Jared was the best uncle. I loved him so very much. Grandpa has taken on a grandpa roll so beautifully. He didn’t have to, but he has. 

Gerald and Beth came to visit. They drove down from Oregon to spend a week with grandpa. It’s been nice having them here. Tanner has warmed up to them sooner than usual haha! 

Today, 01/25 I had to write a police report. This is what I sent to Officer Taylor Ditzel:

On Monday, January 25, 2021 I arrived at the south Logan Walmart around 10:45 AM. I parked in aisle 4 next to a blue dodge van. As I was getting out of my car I noticed a carry car seat in the van next to me. It had a blanket covering it and it seemed a little strange to me. I went in the store for around 45 mins to an hour just hoping that when I came back out it would be gone. When I got back to my car, the van was still there. I walked around to the drivers side of the van and could see the blanket and what looked like it was tucked under some feet. I felt very uneasy about this as it was cold outside (around 25 degrees) I called dispatch and they sent officer Ditzel to Walmart. I asked to be notified if there was a child in the car and if they were ok or not. Officer Ditzel called me and informed me there was a child in there and she was ok.

This experience helped me to learn that I can trust my instincts. I know that the Holy Ghost was telling me I needed to call dispatch. I didn’t stay to see what happened, but when the officer called me to say there had been a child in there, I was sort of relieved. I was upset and saddened for the sweet baby, but reassured in my motherhood instincts and that I could tell when the spirit was promoting me.